Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Farts are Funny (Except in Yoga Class)

If you are the mother of girls, or have no reference to what young boys find amusing, you may just want to stop reading right now.  If you don't live with boys who think the departure of gas from either end of the body is side-splittingly, pee-your-pants, hilarious, well...you probably won't find this topic very amusing.

I have to teach my boys manners and how to act civilly.  That's my job.  And, it's a damn hard job when toots and burps and other bodily functions that society (maybe it's just women) generally find offensive seem to be the highlight of my boys' existence.  I try to be stern and all, "that's not appropriate behavior" when they have contests to see who can fart the loudest or longest.  I remind them that passing gas is a personal matter and not something to which we draw attention.  But, sometimes their antics are just plain hilarious.  I can remind them to be polite and say excuse me and try to keep the passing of gas on the down-low when we are out in public. I will continue to demand respect and courteousness.  But we usually end up in fits of laughter because the hilarity is contagious.  

As the mother of boys I have figured out that I can't fight testosterone on some subjects and testosterone wins when it comes to gas.  Boys think farts are funny.  Period.  Not just little boys, but grown men also.  Ask a bunch of guys what they did on their fishing trip and your bound to hear some detailed, comical stories about someone cutting the cheese.  Most of the time I admit to laughing too because farts are funny.  Except in yoga class.  

An older gentleman in my weekly yoga class spends the entire 60 minutes burdening us with his flatulence. He expels gas every few minutes with each new posture for the whole class.  These aren't just little toots I'm talking about.  His long, drawn out gas bombs sound like demons being exorcised from his intestines.  His anal acoustics prevent me from enjoying even a sliver of my yoga experience.  And I pay good money to for that experience.

I don't even want to take my yoga class anymore.  I've had it.   I know it's not very yoga-like for me to be so intolerant of someone who is clearly incapable of controlling his gassiness, but why does the rest of the class have to suffer?  Maybe the yoga studio needs to add a new Old Farts class (pun totally intended).

Any book worthy of young boy's attention must have some reference to farts.  In an entertaining comic strip section from the Diary of a Wimpy Kid Do-it-Yourself Book, The Amazing Fart Police swoop in and arrest unsuspecting tooters who fart in public.  In one scenario, The Amazing Fart Police arrest a boy whose aunt hugged him so hard a toot popped out.  The boy pleads, "but it wasn't my fault!  My aunt squeezed it out of me!"  The Amazing Fart Police said, "tell it to the judge, kid." 

Now, that's funny.


Patti said...

OMG you are Hilarious!
Living with Alex, you need a gas mask! I have told him to leave the room to do his business, we are dying here....we were paying for his haircut the other day, he walked out the door to the parking lot, tooted, waited a few minutes and came back in....He brought it in with him....!!!! LOL

I'd have to quit yoga...or suggest that man join the Old Farts Class - too funny!

Lessons in Life and Light said...

Oh my gosh, you're KIDDING me! Is he deaf? Is it possible he doesn't know he's doing it? I'd be finding a new yoga class STAT!

Mommy on the Spot said...

"Anal acoustics" - you are hilarious!!

Maybe you can find another class.


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